Are you putting off a difficult conversation? Start by taking yourself out of it.
Relationships, public speaking, performing a song for Simon Cowell. All things you should put as much of yourself as you can into. A lion's den, a pair of hot pants two sizes too small and difficult conversations-all things you should absolutely take yourself out of. I don’t mean don’t have difficult conversations but, as far as possible, we should take ourselves out of them.
What makes a conversation difficult?
Think about a difficult conversation you need to have with someone. Let’s say you have to tell someone something that you know they don’t want to hear for example. What makes that conversation difficult?
It’s unlikely to be that you don’t know how to have the conversation. Often when I’m working with people, they say “I don’t know how to tell so and so this…….”
When I ask them to talk me through it, it quickly becomes clear that they:
- Know what they need to say
- Are clear on why it needs to be said
- They have put a huge amount of thought and care into how to say it.
- They have already made their mind up to have the conversation and decided when they will do it.
So where is the difficulty?
It’s not so much in “how do I tell them?”, it’s more a question of how I feel about telling them and what that says about me. In their book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen describe the three conversations that are present in every difficult conversation:
The “what happened?” conversation:
This is the content of the conversation or the facts: what, when, where, why, how and who?
The feelings conversation:
Beneath the surface of the conversation there is the subtext. Not what is being discussed but how the situation makes you feel. Inevitably every difficult conversation arises from your values being violated and your beliefs being challenged.
The identity conversation:
What this says about you. Your identity.
It’s this last conversation, the deepest subtext, that holds us back. It’s not that we don't understand how to give feedback or broach a difficult subject, we worry about how we will be perceived as a result. When I'm coaching people who are struggling with a difficult conversation the sticking point is usually how it will make them look to others. I hear things like:
- “I’m a nice person-I don’t want anyone to think I’m mean”
- “I’m usually so friendly and approachable, will I be taken seriously if I try to lay down the law?”
- “I really appreciate the other person, what if they think I don’t like them?
- “I’ve worked hard to be taken seriously, will I appear weak if I change my decision?”
- “I’m a people person. I don’t want to appear difficult or uncooperative.”
What we forget it that the other person is also experiencing all three conversations but in relation to them. They are concerned about their feelings. They are worried about how they might be perceived. They are wondering if their competence or intentions are being judged. They really aren’t concerned about you at all.
What can I do?
- Take yourself out of the conversation. Shift your focus away from how you are being perceived and towards the facts (what happened).
- Remind yourself that the other person is also experiencing all three conversations and they are worried about what is being said about them. Actively listen to their view and help them to feel understood.
- Acknowledge your feelings and communicate them constructively. Say explicitly what is most important to you and share the information, reasoning and experience behind your views. Do not present your views as if they were the one-and-only truth. Avoid exaggerations.
- Recognise that each person's views and feelings are no less (and no more) legitimate and important than anyone else's, and everyone is entitled to express themselves.
When both parties are making the conversation about themselves, even unconsciously, it is very hard to make progress. As long as we are focused on ourselves it becomes very difficult to see where the other person is coming from. With both parties firmly entrenched in their own worldview it becomes nearly impossible to find the middle ground. However, when we take ourselves out of the conversation we are better able to listen and understand other people’s perspectives. This softens our position, makes it far easier to find that much sought-after middle ground and increases the chances of our message being heard and taken to heart.
What are your experiences?
Do find yourself worrying about how you will be perceived when having difficult conversations? Let me know your experiences below in the comments section or on the Facebook page.
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