Business Book Club: Love Happier
I've set myself a goal to read one self-development book per month. To make sure I truly reflect on what I'm reading I'm going to extract the wisdom from the best business and personal development books and share it with you.
This time, I've been reading Love Happier: The Art and Practice of Relationship by Magali Peysha
The Book
I quite freely admit that this is not my usual kind of book. I don't usually read books on love. However, I believe in taking the time to develop all aspects of life that are important so I figured why not read a book that helps me focus on my relationship goals?
I recently completed a coaching course which is partly taught by the author Magali Peysha. She is the bestselling author of the Strategic Intervention Handbook, founder of The Relationship Coaching Academy, and has trained over 10,000 Life Coaches. Her style of teaching and coaching is entirely different from mine, and I find that her teaching offers me different perspectives, especially when it comes to relationships.
What did I learn?
1. The way you like to express love is not always the way your partner wants to receive it
Love Modalities
You know when you first meet someone special, and you go on all sorts of different dates? Perhaps you go for a fancy meal, watch a movie, take a romantic walk or listen to your favourite songs together? The variety of these dates stimulates all the senses, so however your new partner likes to take in information, purely by chance, some of what you are doing will hit the mark.
Once we become more settled in a relationship, we tend to revert back to communicating our affection in whatever way is natural to us. I am an auditory person, for example, so I like to hear my wife say that she loves me. My wife, however, is more kinaesthetic (feelings or actions) so she knows that she is loved when she receives hugs or physical affection. You can see room for misunderstanding here. I might get upset if my wife doesn't tell me that she loves me regularly and feel rejected. She might think she shows me all the time when the cuddles me. On the other hand, I might tell her I love her all the time, but if we don't cuddle enough, she might not feel it. You can see how easily displays of love might be missed or taken the wrong way.
Love styles
In the book, Peysha also refers to 'love styles'. This goes even deeper into individual preferences by looking at what love means to each person. She says that everyone has a different love style and that understanding your partner's style will help you know them better. Knowing your own style will also help you communicate what you need.
For example, one of the styles is described as 'Driven and goal orientated'. It has never occurred to me that love would be an area where someone looks for achievement. However, this is important as someone with this style will have very different expectations from someone whose style is more 'Escape with me' or ‘Earthy steady and light'. Again, the message here is that we all have different styles and knowing ourselves and our partner will enable us to show our partner love in the way that works for them and in return, allows us to communicate what we need.
Different styles are good
Peysha explains that it doesn't matter if our style is different from our partner's. In fact, it can be better. In the book, she uses the term ‘polarity'. Just as with magnets, opposites attract and in a relationship, different styles can bring variety, balance and even excitement. The important thing is to understand and celebrate the differences.
2. Know what your relationship goals are (and share them):
A key takeaway from the book is the need to know your aspirations for a relationship and, more importantly, to explicitly discuss them with your partner. I think my wife and I do a pretty good job of sharing our goals with each other, but even so, I don't think we discuss them as clearly as the exercises in the book recommend. I think most of us spend time being in our relationship. Still, unless we are experiencing a significant change in life, we don't usually work on the relationship or talk about it on a regular basis.
Know what you want
Here is an exercise that Peysha suggests:
Step one: Write down what you want to feel with your partner:
I want to feel……….
I want to feel……….
I want to feel……….
Two: Get your partner to do the same
Three: Trade lists.
Four: Get out of your own head and ask your partner: How can I help you feel…………...?
The critical thing here is not to get defensive or focus on your feelings but to be genuinely curious about what your partner is communicating to you.
Dream Day
Another exercise suggested in the book is for each partner to write down their dream day. Each person should consider what they would do, where they would go, and who would be present. Again, swap your dream day descriptions and explore how you can do a bit of them every day.
Did you describe a relaxing, chilled out day? Could you find 20 minutes to relax together every day?
Did you describe a romantic walk? Can you walk and talk for 15 minutes a day?
Was your dream day being together as a family? Can you create a daily ritual of family time for 30 minutes?
3. Maintaining a loving relationship
Fantastic 5
Are there any everyday habits that the most successful couples have? Peysha and her colleagues have spent years observing couples and talking to them about their relationships. They observed that there are 5 things that the most successful couples do every day:
Special Compliments: Taking time to compliment your partner in different ways every day.
Politeness: Ask for favours respectfully and show gratitude.
The Kiss: Everyday there needs to be one romantic kiss. Stop for 30 seconds and focus entirely on your partner.
The Greeting: Change the way you greet your partner when you come home every day. Make them feel special. One minute of this can change the whole evening.
Daily commitment: Express your love and commitment to each other every day
It was nice to read this list and note that my wife and I do these anyway. Still, it was a good reminder to keep these up even when we are feeling tired or distracted.
Dates
The book emphasises the need for dates regularly even if you have been married for years. These don't need to be a meal at a fancy restaurant. This can be as simple as going for a walk together or even just spending some focused time as a couple in your own home cooking dinner or playing a game. Think of your best dates. What was good about them? Can you bring some of that into your week? This should help you think of ideas. However, Peysha offers a list of suggestions for simple dates for those who are lacking inspiration.
Many marriages
Another interesting idea in the book was the concept of all marriages actually being a combination of lots of little types of marriage. As a couple, you have different roles to play and it can be useful to consider which ones you want to give more focus to. For example, your marriage as parents, as friends, as pet owners, as runners, as socialisers, as creative people?
A suggested exercise is to list all the different 'marriages' you have and then for each discuss:
What you want more of in that marriage
What you want less of in that marriage
For me, this is a good reminder that we have many roles and that the focus we give to each will change depending on what is happening in our lives. I can see that it might be useful to reflect on which roles have been neglected and which we can take a step back from.
4. When things go wrong:
Peysha explores several potential problem areas for couples, such as:
'Cover problems.'
Jealousy
Money
Differences in parenting approaches
When we feel inner resistance to love
The key themes here seem to be:
Discuss what is important to you and explore your partner's views without judgement.
It's never too late. No matter how long it has been since you and your partner have communicated, you can always start to reconnect. Even if it's just by bringing in small gestures at first.
What did I think?
Many of the ideas in the book are simple and straightforward on paper. Yet, I imagine most couples use only a fraction of them. It might feel odd to do coaching exercises with your partner. Perhaps it feels more like work or another thing to find time for, but having read the book, I found myself asking myself and my wife questions that I felt I knew the answer to but had never actually verbalised. This created a feeling that is both a bit scary but also exciting. I learnt that I do know my wife as well as I think I do but that by opening up the conversation, there is always more to learn. I've also learnt not to ask your wife deep and meaningful questions about your relationship as she's falling asleep!!
Peysha's book explains how to create, maintain or get back a loving relationship in really easy to understand terms. She suggests some simple, quick, but effective exercises that anyone can do to add more love into their relationship. It's an easy and accessible read but one that can make a massive impact on your love life if you are prepared to complete the exercises. A must-read for anyone in a relationship or single people looking for the perfect partner.
What should I read next?
Have you read Love Happier? What did you get from it? What should I read next?
If you have any recommendations let me know below or via Twitter, Facebook or LinkedIn
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